Lance and Me
With Lance and me it was never about the bike. I heard his
story and read his book at a time in my life where it just struck a chord. I
had lost my Uncle to cancer and I had been through a horrendous period in life
starting with sciatica and ending with an operation on my spine, massive weight
gain and a fondness for painkillers.
I saw sports people wearing these yellow bands. Did some
investigation which led me to the book and I read.
I was gripped by his fight with cancer. I admired Lance for
his fortitude in defeating the disease and getting back not just to health but
to full blown, rip up the road health. I took enormous strength from that. I
bought one of those yellow bands and used it big time.
I lost 4 to 5 stones over a few years and in every rocky patch
I looked at the band I thought “Well if Lance beat what he beat, I can leave
that cake!” His fight for the best medical care and the thirst for 2nd
and 3rd opinions struck home. I had plenty of causes to complain
about some of my care. (A story for another day) Most importantly looking at
that little yellow band inspired me, sometimes even shamed me in to working to
return to not just health but competitive, better functioning fitness and 12 years down the line
from a spinal operation I play football (6 years competitively) and I ride, no
wait, race bikes. All through the years that little yellow band has been a
reminder of my Uncle. He couldn’t win his fight but Fuck Me I am going to fight
for him and live so he would have been proud of me, not just in sport but as a
person.
So there you go. That’s how Lance arrived in my life and
actually made me Livestrong. It wasn’t about the bike. Strange as this may
sound to some people as I have had a pro-cyclist as a hero and I am an avid
rider/racer, follower of bikes but I did not get into cycling until 3 or 4
years after I read his book. I was a footballer (much better than I ever will
be a cyclist). It was actually a group of school kids who cycled Lands’ End to
John O’Groats in the summer of 2006 as part of my dad’s cycling group that
inspired me to get on the bike when looking for an alternate exercise before my
knees got shot on the football field. My ultimate inspiration on the bike was
Mark Beaumont who cycled round the world and came from Scotland. They were
about the bike.
I can’t lie. When Lance made his comeback the man and bike
intertwined and I had my Radioshack replica jersey for cycling but still it was
Livestrong, the man in Lance, who was the conscience on my shoulder telling me
to get better.
So for the last 7 or 8 years, I felt I owed Lance and with
every accusation I defended him. In any cycling/Lance argument I was his
biggest advocate. “He didn’t/couldn’t have taken EPO. I’ve read his book. He is
a better man than that. You just don’t get it.” I kept that going until 2 days
ago when he confessed.
He confessed, and yet, I’m still not sure of what to think.
I don’t condone doping or cheating. I hate it but I know what
he means when he says he had to level the playing field. We all know the UCI
are an inept organisation and did little or nothing to help the situation then,
but with drugs you can never really know the truth. Was he really the best
after the playing field was levelled? An area now so grey it can’t really be
proved.
What is unfair is to make Lance the scapegoat of all sporting
drug scandals. Sharon Davies campaigned for years about how she had to swim
against and come 2nd place to East Germans in the 70’s and 80’s and
was only ever rebuffed and refused comment from the IOC. Bjarne Riis seems to
have avoided all punishment despite his admissions of drug taking while Laurent
Fignon had a statue erected to him in Paris despite his admissions. I read on
BBC sport not yesterday that “Match-fixing in football today
generates "hundreds of billions of euros per year" around the world,
the head of Interpol has warned” and the less said about FIFA the
better. Lance doesn’t need let off. Sport and fans need organisations to go as
hard on the cheats in every sport. Then maybe no potential great sportsman or
woman will feel they have to do a “Lance” in order to level the playing field.
So back to Lance and Me. If it wasn’t about the bike
it was about the man and today I am disappointed, sad, and angry in fact I am
just gutted. The man who gave me so much inspiration to be better was in fact human
and deeply flawed at that.
Lance said he was given this mythical status by so
many people and he didn’t know how to live up to it or escape it or to shatter its
illusion and I actually felt guilty when I heard that. Guilty that I was part
of that group of people immersed in making an idol/god of a man. For an atheist
I feel rather silly (albeit I’ve seen Lance on TV, I know he exists). But I
fell into the trap that people have been falling into for years. Taking a hero
and glossing over the ugly. Churchill took cocaine, JFK liked the odd model or
two on the side, Mohamed Ali was part of a questionable Islamic religion,
Clinton did have sexual relations with that woman, Maradona did cheat against
England in 86 , John Lennon was a peace lover but neglected his first wife and
child. Humans are flawed. I was using a hero to fix my flaws and I forgot , as
did a lot of people, that that isn’t Lance’s fault. That’s mine.
It’s always a hard thing to do in the short term,
but remembering that despite flaws humans can do great things is important.
Churchill won the war, JFK inspired us to race for Space, Mohamed Ali was the
greatest, Clinton did make America a great country again, Maradona scored that
other goal, John Lennon gave peace a chance and helped give the world the
Beatles and Lance….. Lance gave us
Livestrong and a lot of people a lot of hope. It’s hard to say “Gee. Thanks!”
right now, but that is true.
So Lance it still is about you and me. Right now I’m
not so happy and to be honest not sure I will ever feel the same way again but
like any real human relationships they have their ups and downs. For now you go
your way and I will go mine. I can’t let go completely. I owe you one (or two).
For now it’s best we don’t speak. You need to get better. You need to learn the
proper value of living strong as a human being. Maybe now you’ll be able to do
that honestly and in reality. As for the drugs? They make you a shit. I may not
have depended on the same ones you did but they made me poorer as an individual
and I will tell you now, I am lucky certain individuals still call me a friend
considering the way I behaved around them. Some will never speak to me again
and I have to live with that. You are an amazing individual. Use it wisely. Start
with being a father, make real proper amends and see what happens.
Lance and Me? Not sure I am ready to deal with the apologies
just yet. I thank him for the good stuff. The little yellow band stays but it
means something more than it ever did when it went on. It’s not about the bike
or the man. Maybe it’s about me? I don’t think we are finished but it’s a long
way back.
